Caitlin DiBiase

Blog

10/3/16

Today is Monday. 2 weeks until homecoming. I have a maybe date. Hopefully I don't end up going by myself. If I do then I guess I do but I really don't want to. I'm so glad I have the friends I have but I hate that most of them are internet friends. One of my friends that's not an internet friend has really helped me a lot the last few weeks so it's been nice and I'm happy her and I are getting closer. I hate that I have a crush on her. I can't tell her that because she's in a relationship and I don't know if she's bi. I wish I could just get the courage to tell her but I'm toomuch of a chicken to tell her. I will eventually but not yet.

I got a job. I don't know when I start though. I have to go to orientation tonight. I'm excited to start working though because then I'll have money to spend on myself. Plus I want to buy Supernatural Season 11 on DVD for my dad for his birthday. Hopefully I get paid by then.

I'm excited for Supernatural to come back on. 10 days! Then Hellatus will finally be over! I crammed for this season. I watched 11 seasons in like 5 months.

Well I don't really have a lot to say. I'll probably use this mostly for rants but occasionally I will post updates about new songs being uploaded to youtube and stuff.

Hope you have a good rest of your day.

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

10/4/16

Letter To The Guy Who Keeps Saying Shit About Me

(Lets Call Him Mark)

Dear Mark,

Yeah maybe I do dress like a 3rd grader. So what!? It's not your clothes so why does it matter!! And yeah my dad left but I have WAY more shit going on than that so unless you know the whole story, which you don't, you need to shut the fuck up!

"Behind my smile lies a story and feelings you'll never understand." I have depression and anxiety. Plus my grandma just tried to commit suicide and it hasn't even been a year since my grandpa died! I've had a hard life. It's because of dumbasses like you that are the reason I'm depressed. You don't understand how much words can hurt. Let me explain it for you. Pick up a knife. You're holding the knife. It doesn't hurt you. Now take the knife and turn it around and hold it by the blade. It hurts now right? It's the same thing with words. They come from people who you thought were your friends, or at least acquaintances, and they can and will hurt. Because the person you thought was your friend or whatever turns around and says something you never expected a friend to say then it hurts. Way worse than it would coming from a stranger. And I thought you were at least an acquaintance. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I need to just let everything roll off my back right? NOT THAT EASY! Especially when you have went through years of emotional and mental abuse from your stepdad. Plus being bullied in school and not exactly being accepted by your family doesn't equal a very easy life. You'd think I'd learn how to grow thick skin but not so much. Especially when my self esteem isn't the greatest as it is. You need to understand that words can and do hurt people especially when you don't know the whole story.

Still wondering how words can hurt people? Let me give you some quotes that explain it really well. "Harsh words can hurt a person more than physical pain. Taste your words before you spit them out. Words hurt more than you think, so THINK before you speak.", "Words are powerful. You can lift someone up or put someone down. You can help or hurt someone. You can love or hate someone. You can make a difference in someone's life. Please choose your words carefully!", "Words do hurt. Death and life are in the power of the tongue..."-Proverbs 18:21, "Think before you speak, your words could hurt more than you intended to."-Justin Bieber, "Hurting someone can be as easy as throwing a stone into the sea. But do you really know how far that stone will go?", "Words don't just hurt. They can kill."

I'm going to stop now because I think you get the idea but you really need to watch what you say because words do hurt. You're probably thinking "yeah only if you let them" or something like that right now. Yeah but after years and years of hearing insults thrown at you, you start to have cracks in that ability to let things just roll off your back and when it's happened for your whole life it's practically nonexistent. Please start thinking before you say something that could be harmful because you never know, for someone that could be the last straw. That could be all they can take and then they're gone and the words you thought didn't hurt may not be hurting that person anymore but now they're hurting that person's family. Think before you speak, please.

Caitlin

10/5/16

Tonight's topic is going to be about something my like 2 readers know about........... Jared Padalecki!

He is such an inspiration to me. He has helped me through so much these last like 5 months. Let me give you a quick rundown of my life before Jared came into it. I was depressed as hell for no particular reason. My grandpa had just died a few months before. My grandma was being her depressive and controling self, as usual. My grades were going down the toilet. My mom was in the middle of divorcing my ex stepdad and it seemed like I was always taking care of everybody else and didn't have time for myself. I always made sure everyone else was okay and everyone else didn't relapse or purge or whatever. Also, my girlfriend had just broken up with me.

But then Jared came along. First, I just knew him as Sam Winchester, Dean's nerdy, younger brother. But then I started to become obsessed with the show and the actors and started paying attention to them and learned more about them. I learned about Jared's Always Keep Fighting campaign and all his work with To Write Love On Her Arms and his struggles with depression and anxiety and it kept me going. There were so many times where I wanted to relapse but I didn't. Because of him. Because those 3 words, Always Keep Fighting, kept echoing in my head. And they stayed there until the urge passed. Since then I have only given into the urge once. And I've been clean since then. I made an inspiration board to help me get through the bad days and about 2/3 of it is covered with Jared or quotes from him. My favorite quote of his is "There's no shame in having to fight everyday." I love it because it's true. So many people feel ashamed because of what they go through everyday and what they do to themselves everyday but as long as you're still alive, there's still some fight left in you. There's still some hope left. Otherwise you'd be gone. Some might say "no it's because of this person" but really it's not. It's because somewhere deep down inside you still believe in yourself or still have hope or love or something.

Jared is what has made me realize this. If someone would've told me what I just said I would've said "no it's because of Jared Padalecki and Demi Lovato" and yes they have both helped me a lot but I never killed myself because there was always that little voice in the back of my head that always said "if you die you won't reach your goal of helping people. You won't get to live out your dreams. But if you stay alive, you still have a chance. You can still make a difference in the world and help someone even if it's not the way Demi and Jared have helped you." That little voice is really what keeps me going. But my short answer when someone asks me who or what keeps me going is Demi, Jared, and hope. I, more than anyone, should always have hope since hope is literally my middle name.

Jared has done so much more than he realizes. I know he knows he helps people get through those bad days but I don't think he knows the extent of it. He pulled me out of my funk. I'm still depressed. I always will be. I'm clinically depressed so that's never going to go away but those funks will. Sometimes you just need a little help being pulled out of them and Jared was my help. Have I had bad days since then? Yes. Have I had little mini funks since then? Of course. But I was always able to get out of them on my own. They were never that bad. If it weren't for Jared I have no idea how long it would've taken me to come out of that funk on my own. Or if I would have. At that time I was cutting just about everyday. If I hadn't have found Jared when I did, who knows, the next day could've been the day I went home and cut but accidentally cut too deep. Or cut a vein. And it could've been the day I accidentally killed myself. So, that's what I mean when I say Jared saved me. Because he really did and I will love him until the end of time because of it.

On that note, I should get going to bed so goodnight. Love y'all. XOXO

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

10/6/16

Tomorrow is my first day of work! I'm super excited but also really nervous at the same time. I'm happy I can finally start making my own money and finally being able to help my mom out because I know she could use it. I finally went to my first soccer practice and the ball hit me in the face and now I have a huge cut across my forehead from my glasses. And those are broken. I have to use my really really old ones. This is why I'm not athletic. Hopefully it goes away before hoco next week. I'm excited for hoco. It's masquerade themed so we get to wear masks! I've always wanted to go to a masquerade. That's the only highlight of my day. Is that I found out hoco is masquerade themed. Cause this morning Demi Lovato tweeted that she's taking a break from music and the spotlight next year and might not come back. If she leaves idk how I'm gonna cope. I understand why she's quitting but I don't want her to leave. I want her to focus on her mental health but I didn't realize how much I counted on her and her strength to get me through everything. I'm excited that it's only 1 week until Supernatural comes back on! I'm so hyped. I can't wait for hellatus to be over.

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

11/1/16

I know I haven't written for like a month. I've been really busy. Work has been kicking my ass. Hoco was great. I danced to A Thousand Years by Christina Perri with one of my guy friends. At the time he had a girlfriend but I didn't know that till after we danced. I mostly asked him cause I had a crush on him and was hoping he would kiss me when we were dancing. He didn't but now we're dating and Friday is going to be our one week!! Also, on Friday we don't have school so David (my boyfriend) and I are going to spend the day together! At like 11:30 he's going to pick me up and then we're going to have a picnic thing in the park and then at 1 we're going to go see Doctor Strange and after that go back to my house and play video games for a few hours!!! I'm so excited! I really think we're going to last. Neither of us likes to be alone so I think that'll lessen our chances of breaking up. Plus, he's really sweet and tall. I call him My Jared cause he's literally 4 inches shorter than Jared Padalecki and I'm like the same height as Gen (Jared's wife). My Jared gave me one of his sweaters and I smell it like all the time cause I miss him so much. David's a senior so he's going to college next year. :( At least he's gonna be in state. I kinda wish we could just get married already but we wouldn't even have the money cause he's Catholic and I guess Catholics have big weddings. Whatever. I'll wait for him. I finally found someone who understands my anxiety and need for constant reassurance. And someone who wants to wait till we're married to have sex so that's good.

Well I don't have anything else to say so peace. XOXO

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

11/19/16

So, David and I broke up like 2 weeks ago. And the same day that he broke up with me, he started dating someone else. Whatever. Fuck both of them. I'm in a long distance relationship with this girl named Dani. She's SOOO pretty!! She lives in New Mexico. :( She's going to SDCC next year and then she's going to try and come here to visit me!! :) I hate that she lives so far away though. That's why I've never been in a long distance relationship before but I took a chance because I really like her.

For the first time ever I'm reading The Notebook! I've seen the movie like 1,000 times but I never had the book to be able to read it. I'm like addicted to it! I got a debit card! It's on it's way in the mail rn tho. When I get it though I'm going to do some Christmas shopping!!

Well, nothing else to say so bye y'all! XOXO

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

12/10/16

Hey guys! I know I know. I need to update more. Sorry. School and work have been kicking my ass, like always.

Tonight, I wanted to talk about something I love; singing. I'm watching Camp Rock 2 right now and I was just thinking about how much I sing/sung growing up and I think that I always knew my true calling was singing but my conscious mind didn't realize it until I was 10 or 11 and was watching American Idol. I remember it was one of the last episodes of the season and Miley Cyrus was performing The Climb. I was singing along and I just remember having a moment where I was just like "I want to do that. That WILL be me one day." And then I always made it my goal to be on American Idol but, of course, the year I was going to be able to audition they decided not to do anymore seasons. :(. I think that my unconscious mind always knew that singing was my calling and that's why I loved singing so much when I was younger, and now still as well.

Now for the update on my life. Dani and I broke up. Then I started dating this guy named Jordan but his parents made us break up yesterday because they didn't want him dating someone he works with. Hopefully one day we'll get another chance. I really like him and had a good feeling about us. I finished most of my Christmas shopping. I just have to wait till Friday when I get paid. Hopefully I'll be done after this paycheck. My life is pretty boring. Work and school. And, of course, my never ending depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

If you like fanfiction, head over to my Social Media page and add me on Wattpad. And anything else you have. Especially Twitter and Instagram. I follow everyone back and if you want to hear my music, subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Always Keep Fighting,

Caitlin

1/29/17

Trump has been president for 9 days and has already taken away Obamacare and started to build the wall, that we're now paying for. He has also deleted the LGBT and climate change tabs off of the White House website.

My Government teacher said that she hasn't seen this many protests since the 60s (or somewhere around there, I can't remember exactly what she said). Also, she was at the Women's March inMadison and she said she was standing next to this like 80 year old woman and the woman was like "I can't believe I STILL have to fight for this stuff."Also, my aunt (on my dads side; she's 15) went to the March for Life in DC this past weekend and when she got back, we were talking about it (I didn't go, I'm pro choice) and one thing that came up was safe vs unsafe abortions. My main argument was that whether it's legal or not, people are going to do it, and the rate for unsafe abortions is the lowest it's ever been. She didn't understand what the difference was so I explained to her that in unsafe abortions the woman almost always dies or has other complications due to infection, loss of blood, etc. Then, she understood but still said she's against abortion; that's okay, I wasn't trying to change her views.

Then, I brought up the adoption thing. If people are going to say they're against abortion, then they should adopt. Simple as that. Because most people have abortions because of rape, incest, or they feel it's the only/best option. They feel it's the only/best option because they know they wouldn't be able to give away their child after carrying them for 9 months but they're too poor to raise a child or their parents force them to or they would rather the child die instead of going through the foster care system. I don't blame them, the foster care system is crap. That's one thing that needs MAJOR improvements.

Many foster parents only adopt because of the money and the more children you adopt, the more money you get. They usually don't even care what happens to the child or what the child does as long as they still get their money. That or they MAJORLY abuse the foster children mentally, physically, and emotionally. This isn't always the case, of course, but it is the majority of the time. I have a friend who's adopted and her parents treat her great but there are cases out there where the parents just want the money. Sorry I went on kind of a rant.

I have no idea if Jordan and I are going to prom together. I hope we are though.

Well, I should get to bed (more like binge watch One Tree Hill all night). Night. TTYL XOXO,

Caitlin

2/8/17

So I'm in Gov. right now. I actually like the teacher and the subject. I can't believe that DeVos got elected as the head of education. She's never been to public school and never sent her kids to public school. Also, she wants to take away evolution and teach creationism only. I'm scared for my siblings education. None of us are very Christian (me not at all) but that's all she wants to teach. I'm Wiccan so I'm against basically everything Christianity is based on. At least I'm almost done with school.

I've been sleeping pretty well but I still am exhausted all the time. Also, rn I have WAY too much caffeine in me and I'm shaking and sweating but cold at the same time. I probably should drink decaf but that's not going to happen. I was complaining about my height and my brother told me I should stop drinking coffee. Yeah not going to happen. I have too much Gilmore Girls in me. I love coffee too much.

Well, class is about to end so gtg. XOXO, Always Keep Fighting, You Are Not Alone, Love Yourself First.

Love y'all,

Caitlin

3-8-17

I know I haven't updated in a while. I suck at updating. Well this weekend I'm going to the Dells! I got my hair cut and my ear pierced. I got my hair super short and I got a double helix piercing in my right ear last week. I can't wait till I can change the earrings and put a spiral one in! Winter Formal was like 2 weeks ago and it was fun. I ate a lot of cookies and fruit snacks. We got another ferret named Andre. He actually cuddles (somewhat) with me! We had a ferret play date with my dads friend on Sunday. It was fun. I got to meet their ferrets and got to see the 4 of them jump around and play. Today I have a doc appointment so I get to leave school early and tomorrow I have a field trip and Friday I'm going to be at the Dells! Other than that life is boring. School and work.

Love y'all

Caitlin

9/20/18

I know it's been over a year. Not a lot going on. I went to Arizona to visit a friend last month. That was a lot of fun. I'm in college now and it's kicking my ass but otherwise I'm doing good. I got the Stay Strong tattoo for my birthday on August 8th. It hurt but it was worth it.

I watched a trailer for a short film by Demi's little sister Madison De La Garza. It's good. The link to it will be at the bottom. I hope you all like it as much as I do. https://youtu.be/3j9TrzvVTfE

Stay Strong,

Caitlin